


The Missing Voice

by lostnthedream (falloutangel)



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Past Character Death, Road Trips, past KiHo, shine forever inspired sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 12:22:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21815605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falloutangel/pseuds/lostnthedream
Summary: “I miss him,” Minhyuk whispers. “But sometimes it feels like I’m not allowed to miss him because I was the one that took him away.”
Relationships: Lee Hoseok | Wonho/Yoo Kihyun, Lee Minhyuk & Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 22
Kudos: 45





	The Missing Voice

**Author's Note:**

> i promise that i'm still working on heart of courage but i found this in my docs and i thought i'd edit and post it. sorry in advance for the sad but i completely blame shine forever for this mess.

“How are you?”

Minhyuk snorts, falling back in his chair, looking up at his friend. He can’t remember the last time he’s felt like he could actually that question with  _ I’m fine, and you? _

Changkyun should know that better than anyone. 

“Sorry, dumb question,” Changkyun sighs. 

Minhyuk presses a hand to his head. “No, no, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t…” he trails off, not knowing what to say. This is why he never goes out anymore. 

Changkyun shifts, clearing his throat, trying to recover the atmosphere. “It’s fine, Minhyuk. None of us are really okay, not right now.”

“Do you see the others a lot?” Minhyuk asks, looking down at his hands.

Changkyun shrugs. “Some. Mostly Hyungwon.” 

Minhyuk hums, nodding.

“But we barely see you anymore,” Changkyun continues, frowning. “I’m worried about you.”

“Don’t be,” Minhyuk says.  _ I don’t deserve it. _

“Well, I wouldn’t be so much if you would actually answer my messages.” Changkyun sighs, but gives Minhyuk a tired smile. Changkyun looks better, Minhyuk thinks. His black hair seems freshly cut, and his brown eyes seem to have a little bit more light to them, like he’s taken time to take care of himself. Minhyuk wonders what he looks like in comparison.

“So I was thinking that we could go on a trip. Drive up and visit Hyunwoo hyung on the coast. All of us.” Changkyun says, straightening up.

_ But it won’t be all of us _ , Minhyuk almost says, familiar pain nestled in his chest. He knows he doesn’t have to say it. Changkyun is probably thinking the same thing even with his positive facade.

“Everyone’s already agreed?”

“Me, Hyungwon, Jooheon…” Changkyun pauses. “Hoseok.”

Minhyuk almost winces. He can barely bring himself to be in the same room with Hoseok for more than a few minutes. Seeing his old friend causes the guilt to thicken, making him choke. He can’t imagine spending a weekend having to see him, feeling that weight on him constantly. 

“And Hyunwoo said that he’d be happy to have us, so… we just need you.”

“Do they actually want to see me or are you just being nice?” Minhyuk mutters.

“Hyung…” Changkyun looks hurt and Minhyuk looks up, biting his lip. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.  _ Not just for this, but for everything.  _

“Stop saying sorry. Come on, let’s go on a trip,” Changkyun says, eyes begging. “I really want you there. We used to all the time.”  _ Before the accident  _ isn’t said but rings clearly in Minhyuk’s head. 

“So, will you come?”

Looking up into Changkyun’s sad puppy eyes, Minhyuk can’t find it in himself to turn the younger away. Changkyun’s heard ‘no’ from him too many times now. 

He sits back and exhales. “When do we leave?”

~ ~ ~

Minhyuk watches Changkyun pull up to his driveway a couple weeks later. Hand gripping tighter around his backpack strap as he watches from the window. 

It’s Changkyun’s car, Minhyuk realizes - not his parent’s larger van that they would usually take. They only have five people, they don’t need the extra seat in the back. Not anymore. 

Minhyuk sees Hoseok sitting in the passenger seat and is relieved that he at least won’t have to sit next to him for now. Changkyun gets out of the driver’s side, and Minhyuk starts, opening the front door, completely unprepared for the next few days. 

He walks out of his house, up to the car where Changkyun is giving him a welcoming smile. He half-heartedly returns it, shoving his backpack in the propped up truck along with the other bags. 

“We’re thinking that we’ll just keep going until we reach hyung’s place. Take turns and whatnot,” Changkyun says, shutting the trunk and walking around to his side. 

The mention of the driving shifts makes Minhyuk’s stomach churn, wondering how the others will feel when it’s him sitting behind the wheel. “Okay,” he says, opening the side door and getting in. 

Hyungwon has shifted to the middle seat next to Jooheon and greets Minhyuk as he settles down in the seat next to him. Minhyuk smiles back at him, grateful that it’s him that he’s sitting next to for the first part of the ride. Despite his towering stature Hyungwon always has an unthreatening look, long thin frame always draped in big sweaters. He exudes a calming presence. He also seems to have accepted the past better than the rest of them. 

He was the only one who could bring himself to speak at the funeral. His voice didn’t waver even as his shoulders weighed with loss. 

(Minhyuk, on the other hand, could barely lift his head. He didn’t belong there. He saw Kihyun’s parents and almost threw up.)

“Alright, and the road trip begins!” Changkyun says, smiling as he glances in the backseat. He backs out of Minhyuk’s driveway, and Minhyuk closes his eyes, praying that he’ll survive. 

As they continue, Minhyuk finds himself drifting off, head lulling to the side. He barely slept last night, nervousness thrumming under his skin over thoughts of the next few days. 

He lets his head fall against Hyungwon’s shoulder and letting the humming vibration of the car pull his mind away from his thoughts. 

~ ~ ~

“Alright, whose turn is it now?” Jooheon yawns, leaning back to stretch. They’re parked at a rest stop, the sun reaching a point where it’s just dipping into the horizon.

This was the moment that Minhyuk had been dreading. The moment when he has to step up to the wheel. “Mine, I guess,” he says, unbuckling from his spot in the back. His voice sounds steady even if the rest of him is shaking.

Hoseok’s eyes snap to him as he sits up, eyes tense. “I could go again, too,” Hoseok says, hand coming up to touch Jooheon’s shoulder. 

Jooheon freezes, suddenly realizing the atmosphere that has Minhyuk’s heart in his throat. 

“Technically, it’s Minhyuk’s turn,” Changkyun says, mostly directed to Hoseok.

There’s a long pause before Jooheon clears his throat. “Maybe, Hoseok should…” 

Minhyuk’s stomach feels heavy. He knew that this was going to happen. He knows that they all know it was his fault. They can’t trust him. He can feel a stinging in his eyes and inside his chest twists.

“If he wants to, I don’t care,” Minhyuk mumbles, opening the passenger door. He needs to get out of this car. “I need a second.” 

Minhyuk gets out of the car, quickly walking away, still feeling Hoseok’s eyes digging into his back.

“Minhyuk, wait!” He hears Changkyun call after him, but he doesn’t look back. 

~ ~ ~

_ The sound could only be really described as a screech as Minhyuk screamed the high note in the song that blared from the radio.  _

_ Kihyun laughs, hitting his shoulder as Minhyuk continues to sing the song dramatically.  _

_ “What is it with you and high notes?” Kihyun says, chuckling as the song ends.  _

_ “I’m just that talented.” Minhyuk mimes, flipping his hair even if his caramel hair is barely starting to grow out.  _

_ “Turn this one up!” Hoseok says from the backseat, leaning forward. “I love this song.” _

_ Kihyun reaches out and brings the volume up higher, a smile on his face. _

_ The three sing the cheesy pop song at the top of their lungs. Minhyuk takes the dance break seriously and does his best despite the confines of a seat belt and keeping at least one hand on the steering wheel. Hoseok’s bright laugh bursts from the backseat at Minhyuk’s enthusiastic dancing, only encouraging him more.  _

_ “Min, watch the road,” Kihyun chides, but despite his tone, he still has a playful smile tugging at his lips from his best friend’s antics. “You’re going to get us killed.”  _

_ “You don’t like my performance, Ki?” Minhyuk feigns hurt, pouting his lips. He waves his arms in the air and Kihyun predictably screeches.  _

_ “Minhyuk!” Kihyun scolds, but is also laughing. “Not while you’re driving!” He gestures to the road. “You’re a hazard. Not just when you’re driving, but all the time.”  _

_ Minhyuk hears Hoseok’s amused laugh behind him at the two bickering in the front seat.  _

_ “You’re just jealous of my superior moves. Admit it.” Minhyuk laughs at his best friend, who huffs and crosses his arms. _

_ “You’re ridiculous.” _

_ “Yet, he doesn't deny it.” Hoseok chimes in. _

_ Making an indigent noise, Kihyun sharply turns around in his seat. “Hey, who’s side are you on?”  _

_ Minhyuk makes an ‘ooh’ noise, glancing in the back with the rearview mirror. “Never go against the boyfriend, Seok. Even I know that.” _

_ Kihyun raises a threatening eyebrow at Hoseok, who merely laughs in response. He raises his hands apologetically. “Sorry, babe.”  _

_ Somewhat satisfied, Kihyun turns around and faces the front. “Now, stop dancing while you drive. Next time tell me to drive if this is what you’re going to do.” _

_ Minhyuk laughs, but nods, leaning forward to adjust the volume. “Okay, no more dancing, but come on this song-” _

_ “Minhyuk!” Kihyun shouts, and Minhyuk looks up, seeing the split second where he drifted too far into the opposite lane and the huge truck that’s barreling towards them.  _

_ Minhyuk now understands why in the movies they show car crashes slow motion. The scary truth to how slow your life can fall apart in three seconds. Frantically, he jerks the wheel, trying to re-correct, swerving the car back into their lane. _

_ He watches horrified as the wheel turns just sharp enough to cause the car to overcorrect. He only has time to open his mouth to try to scream a warning the others when the car flips, ripping the words straight from his mouth.  _

_ The car rolls over itself, off the side of the road into the ditch. His arms raise to cover his face as he feels the broken glass shower down on his, harsh and biting against his bare skin.  _

_ He hears screaming, not even sure if it’s his own or not because he’s too busy being flung around as the car rolls over itself. His head collides harshly with the side of the car, and then everything goes blurry. _

_ When he comes to his head is still spinning even though they’re not moving anymore. He feels someone shaking his arm and another reaching over and around him.  _

_ “…Minhyuk…please…Min…wake up…”  _

_ His mind is fuzzy with pain and he feels a warm wetness on the side of his face. He whimpers, struggling to pull himself from the darkness. Arms are pulling at him and he finally opens his eyes. Hoseok is hovering over him, blood covering his face and arms.  _

_ It like an electric shock, and Minhyuk gasps, flinching backward.  _

_ “Minhyuk, come on,” Hoseok pleads and his voice is shaking. Minhyuk bites his lip from the pain of being moved but allows Hoseok to get him from the car.  _

_ He makes the mistake of looking behind him to see if there was anyone else still in the car.  _

_ Kihyun lays slumped to the side at an awkward angle, blood running from his temple down the side of his face. Not moving.  _

_ Minhyuk screams. He doesn’t know when he stops. _

~ ~ ~

Changkyun gets out of the car, watching Minhyuk walk away. “Minhyuk, wait!” he calls after him, but the other doesn’t look back. 

Changkyun feels hopelessness well up in his chest as he watches his friend disappear into the rest station. His plan was falling apart. He just wanted to have them all back together again, laughing and supporting each other. It was so hard when their most stable foundation suddenly wasn’t there. 

Hesitantly, the others get out, standing up in silence. Hoseok at least has the decency to look somewhat guilty.

“You guys know how much he’s been struggling,” Changkyun finally says, frustration clear in his tone. “Why did you say that?” 

“Kyun,” Jooheon starts, looking down at the asphalt. “Do you really trust him? Honestly?”

Changkyun sighs. “We’ve got to start somewhere. At least I’m willing to show that we want to fix this.”

Hyungwon leans against the car, sighing. “Jooheon, the crash was months ago. We all need to start moving on.”

Jooheon presses his lips together, sharp eyes covered in a wet sheen. “I can’t just… forget it.”

“It’s not forgetting him.” Hyungwon puts a hand on his shoulder, squeezing. “It’s learning to live with it.”

“We’re not all you,” he says, voice tight. “We all can’t just be  _ okay _ with it.”

Hyungwon’s eyes narrow and he stands straighter, hand dropping from Jooheon’s shoulder. “You think that I'm  _ okay  _ with it? That this isn’t also hell for me?” 

“You sure act like it sometimes,” Jooheon snaps, stepping angrily towards Hyungwon. 

“Guys-” Changkyun steps between the two. “This isn’t helping anyone, please.” 

Jooheon swears, stepping back, running a hand through his hair. 

“Kihyun’s gone,” Hyungwon says, after a pause. “Blaming Minhyuk more than he already does himself isn’t going to help anything. It only hurts it.” 

“He’s right,” Hoseok sighs, rubbing a hand on his face. “I shouldn't have said that. I’m sorry.”

Jooheon looks up and nods as well, before looking down again. 

“I’m going to go find him,” Changkyun says, looking at the direction Minhyuk disappeared in. “You guys fix whatever this is.” 

Changkyun walks away, going up to the rest stop building. He glances around inside, not seeing a familiar thin frame. Frowning, he exits, going back to check outside.

Changkyun walks around the back of the building and sees a figure sitting against the brick wall, head curled into his knees, only caramel hair visible. “Minhyuk?” Changkyun slowly approaches, but Minhyuk doesn’t lift his head.

He hears soft sniffles and pauses, moving to sit down next to his friend. 

“Minhyuk, I know I’m not Kihyun,” Changkyun starts, hoping his friend is listening. “I’m not good at comforting people or knowing what to say or any of that. But I’m here if you want someone to listen. You know how many times a day I ask myself, ‘ _ What would Ki do? What would Ki say?’ _ because it’s a lot.”

Minhyuk keeps his head down, and Changkyun continues. “I think that I’ve gotten pretty good at figuring it out too, you know? Like for instance, now, if he were here, he’d probably tell you to stop crying because you look ugly when you cry.”

That seems to work, and Minhyuk’s head slightly lifts so he’s looking over at Changkyun. Changkyun tries to smile. “Of course, I can’t say it like he did… it doesn’t come outright. Because it’s me. Not him.” 

“I don’t understand how you can even stand to be near me.” Minhyuk’s sudden whisper takes Changkyun off guard. 

“What?”

“Why don’t you hate me?” Tears slid down Minhyuk’s cheek and he shakes his head, biting his lip. “Hoseok hates me,” Minhyuk cries. “And I don’t blame him. So why don’t you? I don’t blame any of you for hating me.”

“Hoseok doesn’t hate anyone or anything,” Changkyun gently responds, an idea suddenly forming. “Except maybe heights over ten feet.”

Minhyuk snorts at the comment, and Changkyun pushes to find something that can make him smile. 

Changkyun nudges Minhyuk’s shoulder, trying to bring his gaze up. “Remember the time we made him go rock climbing with us and he got stuck at the top because he was too scared to come down?”

A wet laugh leaves Minhyuk, looking over at Changkyun. “Yeah… He’s such a scaredy-cat.”

Changkyun smiles at the small momentary happiness on Minhyuk’s face. “For someone that looks like they could bench press me, you’d think that he wouldn’t be scared of anything.”

Minhyuk’s smile wobbles, that lost look flickering in his eyes once more. “Kihyun was the one who got him down. He climbed up and was able to talk him down.”

Changkyun feels the familiar pang in his chest, causing a lump to build in his throat. “Yeah… yeah, he did, didn’t he?” 

Minhyuk nods, biting his lip, eyes glistening. “Yeah,” he chokes. “He did.”

“Sometimes, I can still hear him, you know?” Changkyun looks down, voice thickening. “When we’re all laughing at a joke or something stupid, it’s like I can hear his laugh. Or his voice. Just for a second.” 

Minhyuk sniffs, wiping his face with his hand.

Changkyun swallows. “Minhyuk, none of us hate you.”

Minhyuk shakes his head, looking down once more, another tear slipping down his cheek. “How? How can you not? After what I did?”

“After you did what?” Changkyun snaps. “Survived? Minhyuk, I don’t blame you because it was an  _ accident _ .”

“I killed my best friend,” Minhyuk whispers, burying his face into his hands. 

“ _ No _ . Minhyuk, Kihyun died, but you didn’t kill him.”

“I did,” Minhyuk cries.

“Then you’re as much to blame as I am.”

“How could it be your fault?” Minhyuk looks over at him wide-eyed, shaking his head. “You weren’t the one driving. You weren’t the one that flipped the car over.”

“I was the reason he was in the car,” Changkyun answers, rock settled in his throat, not going down no matter how much he swallows. “I was the one who was supposed to pick him up, but I got lazy and asked him to get you to do it instead.” 

He sees Minhyuk look up at him out of the corner of his eye, but he can’t make himself look over. This is the first time he’s saying any of this out loud and the feeling is similar to breaking his chest open, bearing himself for the world to see. 

“Kyun…” He feels a hand on his shoulder. “You can’t really think that, do you? That you’re more at fault? Blaming yourself?” 

“How can I not?” Changkyun says, wiping at the tears on his cheeks. “You should know this better than anyone else.” Changkyun looks over, meeting Minhyuk’s eyes. The guilt and pain that he sees is like looking in a mirror. “I watch you doing the same thing every day. How can I ask me to forgive me if you can’t even forgive yourself?” 

Minhyuk opens his mouth, but no words exit. 

“We all lost Ki,” Changkyun says, voice wobbling. “Don’t make us lose you, too.” 

Minhyuk stares at him with so much conflict in his face that Changkyun wonders if he’s actually getting through to him for once. “You’ve been too busy hating yourself that you can’t see that we’ve all already forgiven you. We just want our friend back.” 

Minhyuk wraps an arm around Changkyun’s shoulders and pulls him into him. Changkyun nearly sobs in relief. He buries his head in Minhyuk’s shoulder, letting a few tears fall into his shirt. 

“I miss him,” Minhyuk whispers. “But sometimes it feels like I’m not allowed to miss him because I was the one that took him away.”

Changkyun shakes his head. “Fuck, Min, no, of course you’re allowed to miss him. And you didn’t take him away. Okay?

The lack of response goes on for too long for Changkyun’s liking, so he raises his head. He gives a light punch to his arm and raises an eyebrow. “Okay,” Minhyuk sighs, meeting his eyes, and Changkyun can tell that maybe he doesn’t quite believe him yet. But that’s okay. Because maybe he will soon. And soon suddenly doesn’t seem as far away as it did before.

~ ~ ~

Minhyuk follows Changkyun back to the car. He feels emotionally drained, but he knows that Changkyun’s talk was only the beginning when he sees Hoseok is leaning against the front of the car, waiting for them. 

“Minhyuk,” Hoseok calls. “I…” 

“It’s okay, Hoseok.” Minhyuk says, ducking his head slightly. “I get it, I really do. You can drive-”

“No!” Hoseok exclaims, wincing at his own voicing. He shakes his head, stepping closer. “No, that’s not what I mean, I just…” He hesitates, eyes flickering to Changkyun, who takes the hint and gives the two of them space, slipping to the passenger’s seat and joining the others in the car. 

Looking up at him again, Hoseok clears his throat, trying to fight the way that it trembles. “It’s just hard to see you and not see him. Everything reminds me that he’s gone, Min.” 

Minhyuk swallows. He understands that too well. 

Hoseok kicks at the ground, sniffing. “But I know that he would be screaming at me if he knew how I’d been acting. He wouldn’t want any of this.” His words come out softer. A quiet admittance. “I just miss him. Every second, I miss him.” 

Minhyuk watches him sadly, trying not to let guilt overwhelm him again. Not when he finally stopped crying. 

“He was always the stronger one out of the two of us, you know.” Hoseok smiles, sadness tinging it. Even with Hoseok’s muscled arms and broad shoulders, Minhyuk knows exactly what he means. At a glance, Kihyun seemed small and delicate - he was the shortest of the group, slim build, narrow shoulders - but everything about his presence was strong and confident. Everything about him made Minhyuk better. Made everything brighter. 

“I want to apologize, Minhyuk.”

Minhyuk shakes his head. “I’m the one who should-”

“No, you’ve always apologized. We were both there that day, and I never should have avoided you. He would want us all to stick together. Not to fall apart. I’m sorry.” 

Minhyuk never thought that Hoseok would have to apologize to him. He doesn’t think that he deserves any of this. 

“I’ve missed you,” Hoseok says, “And it’s okay. It’s all okay.” 

Minhyuk wishes that he was stronger. He wishes he could believe Hoseok. He wishes that he could go back and be the one in the passenger seat. He wishes he had hugged Kihyun one more time before he was gone. 

“I missed you too,” is all he manages tears barely staying in his eyes, and Hoseok presses his lips together, eyes softening. 

He opens his arms and Minhyuk moves in, wrapping his arms around his back. He feels Hoseok squeezing back. “We need to be strong now. He can’t do it for us anymore.”

Minhyuk nods, face in Hoseok’s shoulder. They pull apart and Minhyuk lets go, sniffing and rubbing his eyes. Hoseok turns and walks back to the car and Minhyuk expects him to get in the driver’s side, but he doesn’t, he goes past it to the backseat. He opens the door and looks back, meeting Minhyuk’s wide eyes. 

“Come on, it’s your turn,” he says, then gets into the car. Faltering only for a moment, Minhyuk walks up to the driver’s side and opens the door. He takes a deep breath and steps inside.

~ ~ ~

Minhyuk’s grief rolled over him like a thick fog. For months he’s felt like he’s been left stranded in an empty field, not knowing which way to run. He’s felt directionless. Lost.

It almost feels like a part of him now, every day waking up with it settled on top of him like a suffocating blanket. 

In the car, with his friends around him chattering on about whether or not aliens exist, the fog seems a little less dense. 

_ “Remember the words you told me, love me till the day I die,”  _ croons from the radio and Minhyuk feels a strange silence fall over the group. He takes a deep breath, fighting the painful twisting in his chest. 

Kihyun loved this song. He played it nearly every time he got his turn with the aux cord. He would sing it at the top of his lungs, reminding everyone why he always got the solos when they were in choir back in high school.

If he listens hard enough, he can almost hear Kihyun’s voice passionately belting out the chorus, like if he turns his head, he’ll be the one next to him in the passenger seat, head thrown back as he sings the words like he’s the one on stage as Minhyuk smiles at him before he joining in himself. 

When he looks over, it’s Changkyun watching him and he knows they’re all thinking the same thing. 

“Do you want me to change it?” Changkyun hesitantly asks from the passenger seat.

Minhyuk sighs, glancing down at the radio, but Hyungwon’s softer voice suddenly speaks up, “I want to listen to it.” 

Minhyuk freezes, looking up in the rearview mirror. Hoseok is staring at Hyungwon. 

“It’s good memories,” Hyungwon says, looking at Hoseok and then Minhyuk, trying to smile. 

Minhyuk swallows, hands gripping down harder on the steering wheel. 

Hoseok softly starts singing along in the back and so does Changkyun next to him. Hyungwon nods his head to the beat, looking out the window. When the chorus hits, Jooheon unexpectedly belts it out, startling nearly everyone in the car. A surprised laugh leaves Minhyuk’s chest that releases some of the tension that was building in there. He joins in, and suddenly they’re all singing at the top of their lungs.

He thinks that there might be tears in his eyes again, but that’s okay. Minhyuk sings loud, like he would with Kihyun, and tries not to focus on the voice that’s missing from the group as he drives them down the highway. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> comments give me so much motivation, you don't even know. also, feel free to yell at me on twitter or cc if you're more comfortable there. ilyyyyy
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/lostnthedream) // [cc](https://curiouscat.me/lostnthedream)


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